Hellsing Drunkeness
by faust91
Summary: Alucard discovers the joys of being drunk.
1. Chapter 1

okay, did this a while ago to cure my constant boredom, and it turned out alright. If i can find the other chapters, then I'll upload them as well.

I do not own Hellsing or any of the characters, so leave me alone.

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CRASH!!! BANG!!! AND OTHER LOUD NOISES!!! "WALTER! What in the name of God was that?" Integra yelled, losing hold of her cigar, but conveniently landing in the ash tray.  
Before he could reply, the door crashed of its hinges, and a bleary eyed Alucard stumbled through.  
"Hey there, master! You look so serious today! You too Walter. Calm down a little, besides, I came up with a new nickname for you!"  
"Oh, and what's that?" asked the aging butler through gritted teeth.  
"Instead of the Angel of Death, you're now the Angel of Dental Floss!" He happily announced, while trying very hard to stay upright.  
Integra, trying not to break out into a giggle fit, distracted herself by asking "What, prey tell have you been doing Alucard?"  
"Well Miss Nemesis-Face" trying, and failing to: a) keep a strait face, and b) keep his eyes focused. "I got hungry, so I asked the Walty over there for a blood packet, but he said he was busy, so I decided to get my own. So, I went down to the Northern Basement and it was full of large bottles of sweet, sweet red blood. But once I started drinking, I couldn't stop myself from drinking all of it. The end!" he finished with a bigger grin on his face than usual.  
"My god… the northern basements the wine cellar." Integra whispered in complete shock. "I didn't thin Alucard could get drunk."  
"MASTEEERRR!" yelled Seras from the doorway, not noticing they were missing. "What did you do that for?"  
"Do what?" the three other occupants of the room asked.  
"THE HELL DO YOU MEAN 'DO WHAT'" she bawled in, for once showing some backbone.  
"Please try to calm down ms. police girl and explain what happened." Walter insisted.  
Only listening to the second part of what he said, she explained "I get back to my room from the firing range, and it's covered in BLOOD!"  
"What was?" the retainer asked.  
"EVERYTHING! It was all over the place! The walls, my bed, even in the bathroom and in my underwear draw!" she announced, blushing furiously from embarrassment.  
"Come with me Ms. Victoria, I'll see what can be salvaged." Said Walter rather bleakly, leading Seras out into the hall.  
"Alucard (who appeared to have been examining Seras chest in a complete daze the whole time) what do you have to say for yourself. Well?" Integra asked, forgetting about the 'miss nemesis face' thing.  
"I thought that it would help coax her to drink blood more often." Explained the No-Life King, coming out of his brief trance but still very drunk.  
Trying VERY hard not to reach for the silver letter opener, she simply said "Go sober up, and then keep out of the police girls way for a while."  
"And her underwear draw too." She added as he was attempting to get up. After the first three failures, he remembered that he could teleport out of the room and did so.

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Please review. If you do, you'l get an IOU for a cookie 


	2. Chapter 2

Found chapter 2, wooo XD enjoy

I dont own Hellsing

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"Three-fifty then" said the driver.  
"Grrr" replied the vampire. But Alucard dropped the cash into his hand like Integra told him too anyway, completely resisting the urge to eat the human. A miracle in itself, and the obnoxious human would never know. Now _this_ annoyed him. Turning to sit near the back of the bus for some privacy, he realised who else was on the bus.  
"Oh for the love of butt-raping G-"  
"Yea dinnae wanna finish that sentence yea blasphemous monster" rumbled the blond priest.  
Sitting next to him (yet another miracle he didn't reach for his guns) he said, much to his obvious embarrassment  
"Integra says if I fight you without her say-so, I have to pay for damages myself"  
"So?"  
Alucard glanced around and mumbled something  
"Whit? I dinnae hear yea that time. Say again"  
"She doesn't pay me at all" he snapped "Why's that?" responded the confused Anderson  
"Apparently, the amount of silver bullets I use is draining our funds. That's why I'm on this damn bus with all these other low lives"  
Sitting back down because of some hard looks from an old lady who looked like an older Integra, he said to the priest "so what about you then?"  
"Ach, unfortunately it's the same with me bayonets. Enrico was _very_ clear about it" rubbing at a hole in his forehead. Looking at his enemy, he asked  
"SO whits with that there bag with the bottle?"Having forgotten he was even holding it, he stowed it in his coat with the guns he tried lying his way through it  
"What bag?" smiling rather sheepishly"I saw it. You're a terribly liar. I know the smell of booze when I smells it. I aint no pansy Englishman, remember?"  
Quickly getting of at the next stop, he left Anderson angry in his seat and a now traumatised Wild Geese merc in the seat behind after overhearing the conversation. It must have been all those 'miracles'… 

A few streets away, Alucard had already started his latest mission. Integra had said it was top priority.  
Gazing at the humans huddled around in the room, he decided to get it over with, so he stood and announced  
"My name is Alucard. And I'm an alcoholic"

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Please review. If you do, you'l get an IOU for a cookie 


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